Okay, so here’s what just happened:
I spent a good portion of my time today writing a blog post about trusting, in the waters of yes. I wrote about how trusting is a big practice of mine, especially since taking on a conscious choosing to live more fully in these waters.
I wrote about what it is to be trusting, and what it isn’t… I inquired into what it asks of us and what we’re willing to give to it… and how it feels when we sometimes choose instead to move toward something else other than trust.
I wrote about my own evolving nature in my willingness to trust, and how it’s changed my life to choose trusting and to choose taking full responsibility for whatever comes, in the conscious choosing to trust rather than to protect and choose to be “safe,” whatever that means.
I asked some great, thoughtful, authentic questions, and I asked you, reader, to take a look in your own life at where you’ve chosen to trust and where you may have noticed when you oriented toward safety.
I wrote about how I have NEVER regretted my choice to trust the flow of life in the waters of yes, and I reiterated the all-caps intention.
It was a blog post I felt really proud of… really happy with… and like I’d done my due diligence in exploring this topic and articulating my experience.
Then… I went to post the blog, and it disappeared. Completely. Vanished.
Gone.
At first I was incredulous, unbelieving. I went back, I tried to recover it, I fussed, I and did some positive thinking. And praying.
Still gone.
So… after working through my first-response frustrations, it became clear my all-caps NEVER was now my oh-so-personal invitation to find the trusting in: THIS TOO – the deletion.
Right now. This loss. In the grand scheme of losses, so not a big deal. In that moment of losing something I’d worked hard on and felt proud of, a big deal!
Until I let go and made the reluctant choice to be willing to trust that this too was totally welcome. Beneficial, even. Yeah, I went there. And you know what? It helped, a lot. In choosing the willingness to trust, I could first feel the resistance to letting go of what I so preciously held onto…my prized blog-post writing. It had to be pried out of my tenacious talons.
But now, as I write this, I can see how much I needed this exercise, to complete my thoughts, to be able to write it from the fullness of this experience so that it wasn’t—isn’t—an abstract idea in my head. It’s REAL, more real right now than I imagined it would be when I was writing earlier. And I’m grateful for the cosmic smack in the face. I apparently needed it!
Because now, I can speak from this very moment of experiencing letting go, opening up, and choosing to see this as the best thing that could have happened.
Thank you, powers that be, for this. I never would have chosen it, and I can still say that I’ve NEVER regretted my choice to trust the flow of life in the waters of yes.
If love without trust is indeed an ocean without waves… then this ocean, right now in this moment, is full of layers… wave after wave after wave.
